Monday, March 14, 2011

Slow Walkers

They are everywhere!  Do you know the people I am talking about?  The people that just walk so slow, for no apparent reason?  I think it's an epidemic.  I mean how many of these people actually have injuries, or ailments that prevent them from walking a little faster??  NOT THAT MANY!!!  Slow Walkers can be found just about anywhere.  Airports, shopping malls, grocery stores, concerts, office buildings, you name it.

Now, I'm not asking these douchebags to speed it to Olympic style speedwalking levels or anything.  Just a slight increase in pace would be appreciated!  In crowded areas they are the worst.  Maneuvering in and out of a plethora of Slow Walkers, trying to get to the JC Penny's to return the hideous sweater someone got me for Xmas.  Do you really have nothing better to do than plod your way from the Food Court over to the cellphone cover kiosk at 1mph???  The mall is also the worst when the Slow Walking ASSTARD makes the transition into the Random Stopper (Random Stoppers are a whole other subject!).  What's the thought process there?  The internal conversation must go something like this....."Hmmm....I know I'm walking right now, but I just don't think I want to keep going, so probably a good idea TO STOP RIGHT FUCKING HERE.  I'm at the mall, so it's probably safe to assume that there a no other people walking behind me, here in the WALKWAY."

Listen, if I pull into the parking lot and haven't even parked yet, and I see you walking into the building, then three minutes later you're lard ass is still teetering down the hall towards your office door, then you are a SLOW WALKER!!  Now I'm faced with the decision, do I pass your dumb ass in this 4 foot wide hall, and beat you to do the door by 5 seconds and look like I'm the douche that is uber-anxious to get to work.  Don't make me out to be the asshole just because I walk at normal pace. 

And for fucks sake, if I do pass you, or even just catch up and draft behind you for a few yards, can the small talk.  I know it's cold out, I know what day it is, I don't care what your opinion on anything is.  Please, just get out of the way or pick it up a little.  These people have now forced to wait in my car until no slow walkers are in sight, and make a dash for the door, hoping none appear from the around the corner.  Or the ones that try to make eye contact from 50 yards behind, pleading to me with their slow walking miserable frowny faces to hold the door for them.

So please people, if you are noticing that when you are walking, other WALKERS are passing you, then you ARE a Slow Walker.  So pick up the pace a little.  Don't waste your life waddling around like this guy!

Next topic.............Idiots, and their ongoing struggle to park their car BETWEEN the two yellow lines.


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